Word of God

One of my first posts was about words and their value. I know from experience that some words have unquestionable value, for some reason we take them throughout our lives, at least for a reasonable amount of time, as an absolute truth. It's hard to say exactly how it works, but:

it may be a sentence that somehow makes sense to us in a very special way, that sentence is stored in our "cache" (a kind of memory that is always available), and we fetch it when it seems necessary, sometimes unconsciously, allowing or not allowing us to do things...

it may be an event that causes a some kind of reaction, the effect is used in the same way as that special sentence...

I think this may also happen unwillingly and unconsciously... I feel it because there are many things I'd like to do but I can't and I don't know and don't understand why, but I’m stopped... like dominated by a superior power... the will of God... but I know it's just another consequence of being a machina.

Happiness

What is happiness? Lately I’m inclined to believe that there may not be such a thing as true happiness. I see people living their lives full of "happy" moments, little pleasures that seem to provide a bit of happiness, "carpe diem" they say, but I don't believe that brings happiness... all those bits put together don't get even close to real happiness...

I don't think one can be fully happy until utterly and completely devoting his own existence to someone else and if that second person does the same both will find the ultimate happiness... I think that is just too hard to find these days... it seems the majority of people is too busy looking for something else, ignoring and overlooking what is truly important… but I know it's possible... so hard to achieve, so demanding, so exhausting, so complex… but possible... and completely overwhelming…

I think I had it...

Now I’ve lost it... no... Ruined it...

A Very Merry Christmas

Christmas, dispite being a very synthetic time, is time of joy and happiness, and to comply with that, here are my (synthetic) words for all of you (4.5) readers of my blog

A Very Merry Christmas.

Ho, Ho, Ho

Incomplete

Someone told me I was missing something that not even I knew what it was... I think that's exactly how i feel...

incomplete...

I just need to know what i'm missing...

it's not easy... not when heart and mind play tricks on each other... sometimes it even seems that one of them is missing... but that's not it... it's something else... something I can't seem to find...



Now I know
That I can't make you stay
But where's your heart
But where's your heart
But where's your

And I know
There's nothing I can say
To change that part
To change that part
To change

So many
Bright lights they cast a shadow
But can I speak
is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A life that's so demanding
I get so weak
A love that's so demanding
I can't speak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

Can you see
My eyes are shining bright
'Cause I'm out here, on the other side
Of a jet black hotel mirror
And I'm so weak
Is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A love that's so demanding
I get weak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay I'll be forgiven


Nothing you can say can stop me going home


These bright lights have always blinded me
These bright lights have always blinded me

I say

I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake, and unafraid
Asleep, or dead

'Cause I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake, and unafraid
Asleep, or dead

'Cause I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake, and unafraid
Asleep, or dead

'Cause I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake, and unafraid

Asleep, or dead...

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

(My Chemical Romance - Famous Last Words)

Coffe Break

	Maybe When I get off work I'll have time for a coffe break... and try not to think too much... Maybe I'll be thinking even more...
Then again... I think I'll just keep working...

Negative

Yesterday I was working untill 3:30 am, and on the way home, besides spoting a shooting start I also noticed the tempreture, -1ºC, it's the first time this year i've seen a negative temperature... but i've felt it before...

I don't know if it's the winter or someting else... but people get cold(er) sometimes...I feel colder... the heart gets cold... I feel it burning inside... I don't like it but I can't help it...

The Educated Fool

I'm an educated fool
So I don't know what it is I'm supposed to do
About this awkward situation
That's been forced down right upon me

As I'm walking down into
on my own into the valley of life
Got a lifetime of experience
yeah I've got so much to give

Open the page at chapter one
could this just be that life's just begun
Forever within your darker thoughts
Reflecting on everything you've been taught

Never felt this way before
Seems that somebody's just opened the door
To the book of life .... or is it death!
Is there ever any way out

Someone's looking down on me
to the very inner core of my soul
They won't tell me what they see
But I really want to know

I want to live my life on my own
I want to lift the unturned stone
I want to walk right into the fire
I want to live out all my desires

I want to go and see the fire burn
I want to see and feel my world turn
I want to know what more there's to learn
I want to pass the point of no return

Do you really wanna be
Just another one statistic or feel

That you really should aspire
That you really do deserve more

Do you ever really feel
That you have so much potential inside
What you really have to give
Could be realized so much more

I want to live my life on my own
I want to lift the unturned stone
I want to walk right into the fire
I want to live out all my desires

I want to go and see the fire burn
I want to see and feel my world turn
I want to know what more there's to learn
I want to pass the point of no return

Time will flow
And I will follow
Time will go
But I will follow

Time will flow
And I will follow
Time will go
But I will follow

I want to feel what life's like respond
I want to meet my father beyond
I want to walk right into the light
I want to feel no fear but delight

I want to live my life on my own
I want to lift the unturned stone
I want to walk right into the fire
I want to live out all my desires

Time will flow
And I will follow
Time will go
But I will follow

Time will flow
And I will follow
Time will go
But I will follow

Time will flow
And I will follow
Time will go
But I will follow

(Iron Maiden - The Educated Fool)



I'm just an educated fool,
so I don't know where to go...

Changes

Sometimes... life asks us for a change. There are always paths to walk and decisions to make, sometimes with a big decision comes a big change, and that change usualy brings good things and bad things.... and that isn't always easy.
It gets even harder when you can't tell what's best for you and what's not so good.
It would be nice if I could just turn bad things into better things... sometimes I think I can... but most times i feel powerless...

I feel something changing

I don't know if I can help it...

I don't know if I want to rush it...

Just don't know what to do.



I pack my case, I check my face
I look a little bit older
I look a little bit colder
With one deep breath, and one big step
I move a little bit closer, I move a little bit closer
For reasons unknown..

I caught my stride, I flew and flied
I know if destiny's kind, I've got the rest on my mind
But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to
And my eyes, they don't see you no more
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to
And my eyes don't recognize you no more

For reasons unknown
For reasons unknown

It was an open chair
We sat down in, the open chair

I said if destiny's kind, I've got the rest on my mind
But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to
And my eyes, they don't see you no more
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to
And my eyes don't recognize you at all

For reasons unknown
For reasons unknown

I said my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to
And my eyes, don't recognize you no more
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to
And my eyes don't recognize you no more

For reasons unknown
For reasons unknown
For reasons unknown
For reasons unknown

(The killers - For reasons unkown)

Memory

There is always something on my mind...



I seem to recognize your face
Haunting, familiar, yet I cant seem to place it
Cannot find the candle of thought to light your name
Lifetimes are catching up with me
All these changes taking place,
I wish Id seen the place
But no ones ever taken me
Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away...
Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away...

I swear I recognize your breath
Memories like fingerprints are slowly raising
Me you wouldnt recall, for
Im not my former
Its hard when youre stuck upon the shelf
I changed by not changing at all, small town predicts my fate
Perhaps thats what no one wants to see
I just want to scream...hello...
My God its been so long, never dreamed youd return
But now here you are, and here I am
Hearts and thoughts they fade...away...

Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away...
Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away...
Hearts and thoughts they fade...away...
Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away...
Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away...
Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away...
Hearts and thoughts they fade...

(pearl jam - Elderly woman behind the counter in a small town)

Impressions

Today i find myself thinking about how variable is the way people act towards different people. I think there aren't two people that have the exact same opinion about someone, are there? It doesn't matter how upright and controled one is, that person will still act in a different way, in a different situation. Even if unwillingly...

It's all about trying to impress someone... for all kinds of reasons, love, power, money, whatever but it's interesting to see who we are trying to impress, and there are people who we want to impress more than others. It's easy, it's just like putting on a mask that only shows the things we know that person is going to like.

I find myself to be a very unimpressive person, maybe because i find all that is a nonsense... althought i have my masks, and sometimes they don't let me say or do some things...

for the best or for the worse... i have to learn to live with them...

Restlessness

It's hard to see your friends in trouble... but the worst part is to feel powerless about it... I get restless, wishing there was something I could do... I just hope today is a good day.

the Masks we wear

I thought i was the only one with a mask, but it wasn't until i drop my own that i realized that everybody wears them... i don't think it is intentional, it's a natural thing, the human machine adapts itself to it's surroundings which include other machines like it. This is a natural thing because the human computer it programmed for it... (I think i know a little about this, let's see...) masks are somewhat like interfaces... they only show what other people need to know about you... i think they are automatically created as you get to know other people better and know what you can and cannot expose... it's quite an interesting mechanism... it's interesting to try to notice how one person acts diferently arround different people... it's even more interesting if you try to notice this in yourslef... maybe you cannot... maybe you don't want to... but you most surely do it it's not my fault...

Flesh and blood

Humans, Mortals, whatever we are called by, we are just machines made with special parts, flesh and blood... heart and soul... sometimes a mind... that provides us with the ability to chose the path, the next step... good or evil, maybe not directly, but every action has consequences, some are good, some are not so good... not good at all...

Also, we see and hear, smell, taste and feel, not only physically... the most important part is inside... there are emotions... sometimes they are hard to deal with... they'll hit you out of nowhere and make you do things you never thought you could or would. It is important not to ignore them, but we are not alone, and our action have influence in other people's lives... so what to do next? What is more important then? Be happy? What makes us happy? Maybe someone can be happy just by making someone else happy, so what's the best for that person? Again, the value of words. People live their live the best they can according to their values, but what seems good for someone may not be the best for another someone... Same thing happens with the seek for happiness... what we do to search for our own happiness may hurt people... can we live with that? what to do then... hurt or be hurt? in the end nothing matters, because we are just flesh and blood... ashes to ashes... dust to dust... fade to black... .. does the memory remains?

Words that hurt

Some words can hurt. It's amazing all the different sorts of reactions words can have on us... if someone says something you like you'll most likely experience a bit of happiness... if someone insults you, that may result in anger, disappointment or sadness... sometimes the same words can make you feel differently according to many factors... for example, the person who speaks them... sometimes, they don't even have to be spoken.... but... The words that hurt the most, are the most beautiful ones... specially when they express something you cannot have... like love... an impossible kind of love... Love is a funny word... powerful, enough to make you feel the ultimate happiness, but also able to make you feel miserable...

Looking for love is a dangerous path, but... In the end is just another word... One that can be spoken out loud... it can... trully... We shouldn't be depending on words so much.

WYSIWYG

What You See Is What You Get

but the world changes, or maybe the way we look at the world changes...

what you see, may be that you get, but every time you look, you'll probably get a diferent thing...

Honest Lies

When words are spoken, you might choose to believe them or not... but sometimes, people seem rather to believe nice and sweet words (even if obviously lies) over true words.
It's hard to know when to believe in words or which words to believe... it's also hard sometimes to speak the truth, perhaps when you know it might hurt someone...

Is lying a bad thing? There are all kinds of lies, but in every one there's the intention of making someone believe an untruth... is that condemnable? Even if it is, it's in human nature to do this, maybe over fear, or some other reason, for example, a kid that doesn't even have a the notion of lie, makes ups stories to cover up some mess he made because he doesn't want to be punished...

People lie, wheather they want to or not, it may be bad, it may be condemnable but we do it...

I think lying is good, I like to lie... I lie to make up funny things, when I lie anyone who hears my words knows, the minute I speak them, they are not true, but nobody gets mad, they find it laughable... sometimes... a few times... all right, I’m no fun, but I like to make up them stories...

Honestly

Sharing words

Communication has it's mysteries, the definition of communication states that there must be an emitter and a receiver, a medium and a message, the message is transmitted from the emitter to the receiver through the medium. One of the problems with communication is noise or interference, that's why the most important part of it is to make sure the message was understood by the receiver as the emitter meant it to be. It is interesting to notice that this is often forgotten, and can lead to misunderstandings... it's also interesting to see that sometimes the misunderstandings are bound to a different phenomenon, the personal acknowledgement of words.
The meaning of words is personal, and sometimes the message is sent out using words that have different meaning to the receiver, distorting the emitter's initial idea. Other times, the messasge is interpreted differently based on the idea the receiver has of the emmiter. This means that not only words are labeled and sorted out in pretty little shelves in our minds, but also people, even our own friends.

Dreaming of perfection

Perfection... there is no such thing as perfection, at least nothing or no one is truly perfect. There's always hope... There's always dream... People try to live their lives the best they can, trying to accomplish their dreams... but, do dreams come true? Sometimes, I’d say many times dreams do become true but, is it perfect?
People not only give meaning to words, but also value. This value represents the importance of each word to each person. This will influence every aspect of life... some "words" have such a small value that you may think that they have no effect on your life what so ever, but the truth is that consciously or unconsciously , sooner or later it will interfere somehow in the pursuit of a dream.
	Ultimately nothing is perfect, and dreaming is natural as is seeking to fulfill those dreams in a perfect way... but in the end there's only time and chance... Perfection is about making the right choice at the right time...

片翼の天使

Katayoku no Tenshi (one winged angel)

Estuans interius Ira vehementi Estuans interius Ira vehementi Sephiroth! Sephiroth! Estuans interius Ira vehementi Estuans interius Ira vehementi Sephiroth! Sephiroth! Sors - immanis Et inanis Sors - immanis Et inanis Estuans interius Ira vehementi Estuans interius Ira vehementi Sephiroth! Sephiroth! Veni veni venias Ne me mori facias Veni veni venias Ne me mori facias Veni veni venias (Gloriosa) Ne me mori facias (Generosa) Veni veni venias (Gloriosa) Ne me mori facias (Generosa) Sephiroth! Sephiroth!

Burning inside with violent anger Burning inside with violent anger Sephiroth! Sephiroth! Burning inside with violent anger Burning inside with violent anger Sephiroth! Sephiroth! Fate - monstrous and empty Fate - monstrous and empty Burning inside with violent anger Burning inside with violent anger Sephiroth! Sephiroth! Come, come, O come, do not let me die Come, come, O come, do not let me die Come, come, O come, (Glorious) do not let me die (Noble) Come, come, O come, (Glorious) do not let me die (Noble) Sephiroth! Sephiroth!

Mindless

Someone once said that words have meaning but how do people know what each word represents? the human mind works in a funny way, when a word is learnt for the first time it's associated with it's meaning... now if you are mindless you can stick with that for your entire life, and think of it as an absolute truth.

But if you have the willingness to learn, every time you hear that word in a different context you will be able to find a new meaning for it, completing the knowledge you have, perfecting the way you will be able think in the future.

This is a very interesting process, sometimes the old meaning is completely erased, other times you find that only part of it applies, while the new meaning is discarded a few times... but the valueable part of this is that you always learn something.

Learn

Learning... it sure is amazing, the ability to learn, people learn from anything, i mean if you have the willingness to do it... but that's also something you learn...

First Words are always Synthetic Words

I’m not sure why i’m writting in here… it’s wierd, i was never a blog-type guy, i used to think of them as suiting other people, not me, ho no… why waste time… i don’t even know how to write… i’ve always been afraid of words, why use them? They don’t mean anything, it’s just words… a bunch of letters put toghether…

Meaning – but words do have meanings… some are strong, some are wrong, some are long, some are just nothing… but they all have meaning… some people have a gift to use words but not me. Sometimes i wish i could sort them all out, know the meaning of all the words, but the fun part… oh yes, the fun part is to learn them. Once you know everything boredom takes over.

This brings me to the purpose of this post (not that it has any interest what so ever), but words – that’s basically what people use to comunicate - i believe that my problem with words is bound to the belief that a majority of people lie using words, that’s why words have always sounded like fake to me, thus my problem using them – I didn’t want to be a fake.

But there’s no other way to express your feelings, words are every where : in speech, in written text, in your eyesight… whatever you see, your brain translates in words, you can tell someone to “fuck off” with a finger… or is it a word? It’s a word, and a damn ugly one…why? I’ll leave that for another time… now i need to explain why everyword is synthetic…

For a simple reason - we are machines. The human is the most imperfect machine ever “built”… but that’s exactly what makes it so perfect… we build machines for everything we cannot do, but there’s one ability that no other machine has… the ability to believe in words.

I’m pretty sure everyone knows how wierd i am by now, but i hope someone can see through my synthetic words.