There's always another chance...

...

When you think that we've used all our chances
And the chance to make everything right
Keep on making the same old mistakes
Makes untipping the balance so easy
When were living our lives on the edge
Say a prayer on the book of the dead

...

Iron Maiden

Distance

Distance is another one of those man made concepts to define something which is indefinable. Distance is relative even to the same person, also according to the perception one has of time that, in turn, changes with the aging process... When I was a young kid, moving 30Km seemed a lot, but not I do 50 each way just to go to work and back and it seems like nothing (it would if it wasn't for the fuel price).

But this is not the kind of distance I want write about.



Friendship is also a kind of distance, throughout our lives this "distance" we have between ourselves and others seems to shorten sometimes or grow bigger other times. Sometimes you can control it others you can't. But the funny thing is that this "distance" has little to do with the real distance for sometimes people who are physically far away seem to be "closer" than others who are physically close.

Copycat

A copycat (also copy-cat or copy cat) is a person (or animal, or computer program) that mimics or repeats the behavior of another. The expression may derive from kittens that learned by imitating the behaviors of their mothers... (wikipedia)

Synthetic words are easy to be used. It is in the human nature to take ownership of the words of others and use them as our own to serve our interests. Words can cause ideas, which is good, and if we use other people's words to refresh and summon our own ideas, that is great, but it is much easier to be just a copycat, mimic other's ideas, pretend to be something we are not... that is usually called lying and deceiving.

The interesting part of this is that when words are "nice", other people tend to believe deceiving words, and when they find someone who speaks only his thoughts, one whose feelings are true, they find it hard to believe. I don't know why this happens, but it's a rather pathetic behaviour, understandable however for you cannot read other people's minds...

so why does our mind prefers to believe in lies?

I have no idea, seems that humans are naturally stupid.

We make our own destiny.

I guess we deserve to suffer.

Time

I would like to know what time is. Sometimes I feel that time is a very complex and confusing thing.

I don't know. All I know is that everything changes over time, things change, people change... hearts change... Sometimes faster, sometimes slower, just the same way as time seems to go by. Sometimes minutes seem like hours, and other times, hours seem like just an instant.

Time is usually spoken of in past, present and future, but all that really matters is the future. Past has gone by and won't return, all that left is memories... The present... is there a present? I don't think it really exits. When you talk about something you plan to do, that's in the future, but once it's done it's already in the past. You can say "while I’m ding it, that's the present". Is it? Really? Time doesn't stop, so while you are doing something, some of it is in the past, and the rest is in the future, the present is just the split second when you decide what to do.

Although you can never know what the future will bring, there are some things you can control. I think being true to yourself is the way.

That is kind of a cliché, but I think I finally understand what it really means.

My new friend

Final Fantasy originally appeared the first time 20 years ago in a time where videogames were just a dream for many people, I was 7, and no idea they existed I think (don't actually remember).

I've only known the 'reality' of Final Fantasy many years later that was in 1997 with the playstation release of Final Fantasy VII. I fell in love with this game, a tale fantasy and magic in an amazing world, so huge and with so many places to explore. It really was a dream, a fantastic story with characters with such a deep personality and each one with their own dreams, memories and stories to tell, beliefs and goals, all of this while trying to save the world.
To me is still the best game ever.

I've always wondered what existed before Final Fantasy VII (maybe VI, and V... and so on...) but I never had the time. I was until last year I’ve heard about the release of Final Fantasy VII Crisis Core for psp, later the remakes of Final Fantasy I and the new Final Fantasy Tactics War of the Lions. I just knew I needed a psp. That's what I did last week.

And yesterday it finally arrived, my first Final Fantasy game for my psp. Final Fantasy II, that's my new friend...

Forever

They say nothing lasts forever...

I think some things are meant to last for ever.
At least I can't picture them in any other way.

I've made many mistakes.
I'm not perfect...
There are many things I would change.

But I won't change my point of view on this one.
I can't allow it, I feel that's the only way to true happiness.
Even if it's not really forever,
Even if it hurts sometimes...

I have to believe is possible.

Trust

As the ability to lie is inherent to the human condition, so is the ability to believe. This concept is interesting because words can be interpreted in many ways, so you cannot be ever completely sure of what to believe.
The way I see it there are three kinds of people:

* People who have this understanding.

* People who have no idea and will believe anything.

* People who are cautious.

When someone understands this they have the power to deceive others, and the option to do it or not. The "believers" will often meet people who will take advantage of them, deceive them to serve their own futile purposes. People who are hurt will become more cautious, but sometimes become "deceivers"... so much that they might even fool themselves pretending they are something they are not. But most times people just get more cautious over time.

The thing is you can't ever be too cautious, you never know what's next in store for you. Although most times what happens is that if one is not careful enough will get hurt, sometimes being too careful may hurt other people and eventually drive them away. When you get hurt too many times, you will stop believing certain things.

You can't ever be sure...

There's one thing I'm sure though, things are never what they seem.

There are things I don't want to stop believing...
I won’t do it.

My life's OST

I think people throughout their lives compile a nice collection of music. There are special songs for special occasions and special occasions that reminds us of special songs.



or maybe special people...











But I found out that listening to a song is much like reading a book (since I started reading, that is, 2 weeks ago). I've never read much so I never knew what it was like, but a book is something that has words which in turn have meaning, it's reading its a process that endures throughout time, along with your life, accompanying your experiences. Sometimes it makes you feel annoyed, other times anxious to continue the adventure.



Although a song is a bit different, you listen to it and it's done, sometimes some songs make you feel annoyed too, and other times you just need to go home and listen to that specific song. Songs have words too which require interpretation, and what I find funny is the fact that one song can have distinct meanings according to the time and place you hear it ,your live and your experiences.



That's what i've always done with songs, I think they can help you sometimes, understand a situation, send a message, ask for something...

I couldn't live without them.

命 夢 愛

(Inoti)


(Yume)


(Ai)

Wish

I wish I was somewhere else.
I whish the sea would take me to that place.

I wish I knew myself.

Sometimes i don't understand the way i feel,
I feel the world is against me for no reason.
Then I just want to disapear.
Sometimes i feel I say the wrong things for
the wrong reasons.
I don't make much sense out of my words and
there seems to be no point in them.

I wish I knew why I feel truth is a lie.

Sometimes i don't believe anything...
I know the words are true...
I know who speaks them...
People I love, people I trust...
But I can't believe those words and I
hate myself for it.

I wish I knew my heart

I wish I could love you as you love me
I wish you would love me as I love you

I wish I didn't need this.

I wish I was someone else...

I wish...

Numbers

Unlike words, numbers are not synthetic.
They are natural, that's why we use numbers for everything, each day that goes by is a number in a calendar somewhere, we even identify ourselves with numbers.

Yesterday at the first of my coffee breaks, I passed for some power poles as I always do, but for some reason I found the numbering in those poles interesting.

My heart told me that I liked those numbers so I took some pictures of them. I don't know why but it wasn't only the design. It made me think of this post. I knew I had to write something about numbers, not these numbers, just numbers.

But what would it be? That is something I didn't know at the time, but now I know. I was never too friendly with words, I don't really like them, words can be deceiving but not numbers, they have one meaning. They only mean what they mean. Numbers are true, they don't lie... I think that's the reason I like numbers. Sometime I wish some people were numbers. sometimes I wish to be a number myself...

The numbers are your's and mine and everyone's and no one's, they are just that. Numbers. Everyone can use them, no one has to. Most people do. I like them. Not everyone does.

Still it took me 2 days to figure out what these numbers mean, and I’m still not sure, but it is funny how numbers and words combine, the harsh and direct meaning of numbers with the ambiguous significance of words... now I realize, like everything in this world, one cannot live without the other...

Morning Wind

It's 8:43, I just finished another chapter of my book. I was reading next to the beach, it's something i usually do before i go to work.

For some reason the sea compels me to it, I want to see it, feel the morning wind and the ocean breeze on my face.

I don't know why, it's just a feeling, i feel it's something i have to do.

Feels good.

Habituation

Humans are creatures of habits. Sometimes we do things for no reason, things that seem a little unreasonable and even stupid, but still we do it. In the coffeeshop I usually go there's this man who reads the paper, but that's not his habit. Every day at about 10:30 he get's ups picks up about €6 in €1 coins and spends them one after another in a claw machine. Every day he does that and I don't think I’ve never seen him grab anything. I don't understand the reason, but I surely understand the possibility. Meaning, I have no idea why someone would to this, but I know that is possible for sometimes I find myself doing things I’d otherwise consider... stupid.

水

Water.

I still have time. I want to watch the sea. Water soothes my restless mind, I don't know why but it does. It does so by twisting and twirling jumping and breaking… sometimes it hits me in the face, like summoning me back to reality, making me fall from a floating trip. The ocean takes me away… at least my mind, a spiritual navigator, visiting places that don’t exist, perhaps not in this world. But places that exist somewhere inside of me, cities and countries even different worlds, worlds that are so far away as they are close from reality.

A different world drawn with shapes that don’t exist and painted with colors that cannot be formed by our very own red, green and blue. Dreams come true which haven’t yet came to be. A place far away. Away from reality. Away from people. Away from the bad decisions. Away from me…

Away. Just away…

I need to go there… But there’s no time.

Telling tales

Today I bought a book.

I think it's the first time I did so, at least consciously... I never thought it could be so much fun.

I didn't know where to start so I looked for titles that would somehow make me feel something, something special.

I looked for tiles I would give a book if I was ever to write one... didn't find many though... found a few interesting ones but I end up buying "The begotten", which I met by it's Portuguese name "A carta proibida".

The Year of the Rat

Today begins the year of the rat. I don't really know what this means, it's the beginning of something, a new time, called year. I find that familiar because I am also starting a new "year" in my life, I found that I am not able to do what I want or maybe I find it hard to know what I want.

The thing is I didn't realize I was becoming something I despise... a rat... by not knowing what I want, I was hurting someone I love... and kept doing it. Now I know the way, other people do not deserve to suffer because my uncertainties, I was just too weak to see that, as I've been all my life.

I need to be alone, and find the strength I need in myself. I find myself in the year of the rat, and I will find myself in the year of the rat.

I have to.

Weakness

I don't like being Human. When you don't know what your limitations truly are, it's hard to know what you can do or where you can go. The Human machine is far from flawless. We have too many weaknesses.

Some times I wonder what it would be like for other machines, like a computer or a car if they were aware of themselves, if they had a consciousness. It wouldn't be perfect, but they would know exactly what they could do (it's all documented). It would be easy for them to know where they could go and how fast or whatever...



Unlike that we cannot possibly know anything, unless we try it

but sometimes, that thought, that possibility is frightening

That makes us weak...

That makes me weak...

I cannot do it...

Not for me...

I need a reason...

One New Year

The New Year has come with it, all sorts of things good, bad but specially new things. I've always thought, just has every word has its own meaning which can differ from person to person, also every action, every event that takes place in this world makes sense to every individual in a different and specific way, and each individual will find a purpose for that event, as we are complex machines, the interpretation of the event it's personal and can also diverge from person to person.

The purpose of this event (the posting of this post) it not to find a purpose for any other event, but rather to state that finding a purpose for an event, whether we find it pursuable or not changes not only the way we look at things, but also our own being... In the end we are only our selves... but we can also be whatever we want.

It's funny, this is not at all the post i had planned, I was going to write about how dark the first day of the year is, and how "I’ll never be anybody's hero now", but I think coming here, sitting in this chair, typing these words, without thinking, letting it flow was good... it actually changed me... I’ve found a new purpose for my post... a better one I think...