My life's OST

I think people throughout their lives compile a nice collection of music. There are special songs for special occasions and special occasions that reminds us of special songs.



or maybe special people...











But I found out that listening to a song is much like reading a book (since I started reading, that is, 2 weeks ago). I've never read much so I never knew what it was like, but a book is something that has words which in turn have meaning, it's reading its a process that endures throughout time, along with your life, accompanying your experiences. Sometimes it makes you feel annoyed, other times anxious to continue the adventure.



Although a song is a bit different, you listen to it and it's done, sometimes some songs make you feel annoyed too, and other times you just need to go home and listen to that specific song. Songs have words too which require interpretation, and what I find funny is the fact that one song can have distinct meanings according to the time and place you hear it ,your live and your experiences.



That's what i've always done with songs, I think they can help you sometimes, understand a situation, send a message, ask for something...

I couldn't live without them.

命 夢 愛

(Inoti)


(Yume)


(Ai)

Wish

I wish I was somewhere else.
I whish the sea would take me to that place.

I wish I knew myself.

Sometimes i don't understand the way i feel,
I feel the world is against me for no reason.
Then I just want to disapear.
Sometimes i feel I say the wrong things for
the wrong reasons.
I don't make much sense out of my words and
there seems to be no point in them.

I wish I knew why I feel truth is a lie.

Sometimes i don't believe anything...
I know the words are true...
I know who speaks them...
People I love, people I trust...
But I can't believe those words and I
hate myself for it.

I wish I knew my heart

I wish I could love you as you love me
I wish you would love me as I love you

I wish I didn't need this.

I wish I was someone else...

I wish...

Numbers

Unlike words, numbers are not synthetic.
They are natural, that's why we use numbers for everything, each day that goes by is a number in a calendar somewhere, we even identify ourselves with numbers.

Yesterday at the first of my coffee breaks, I passed for some power poles as I always do, but for some reason I found the numbering in those poles interesting.

My heart told me that I liked those numbers so I took some pictures of them. I don't know why but it wasn't only the design. It made me think of this post. I knew I had to write something about numbers, not these numbers, just numbers.

But what would it be? That is something I didn't know at the time, but now I know. I was never too friendly with words, I don't really like them, words can be deceiving but not numbers, they have one meaning. They only mean what they mean. Numbers are true, they don't lie... I think that's the reason I like numbers. Sometime I wish some people were numbers. sometimes I wish to be a number myself...

The numbers are your's and mine and everyone's and no one's, they are just that. Numbers. Everyone can use them, no one has to. Most people do. I like them. Not everyone does.

Still it took me 2 days to figure out what these numbers mean, and I’m still not sure, but it is funny how numbers and words combine, the harsh and direct meaning of numbers with the ambiguous significance of words... now I realize, like everything in this world, one cannot live without the other...

Morning Wind

It's 8:43, I just finished another chapter of my book. I was reading next to the beach, it's something i usually do before i go to work.

For some reason the sea compels me to it, I want to see it, feel the morning wind and the ocean breeze on my face.

I don't know why, it's just a feeling, i feel it's something i have to do.

Feels good.

Habituation

Humans are creatures of habits. Sometimes we do things for no reason, things that seem a little unreasonable and even stupid, but still we do it. In the coffeeshop I usually go there's this man who reads the paper, but that's not his habit. Every day at about 10:30 he get's ups picks up about €6 in €1 coins and spends them one after another in a claw machine. Every day he does that and I don't think I’ve never seen him grab anything. I don't understand the reason, but I surely understand the possibility. Meaning, I have no idea why someone would to this, but I know that is possible for sometimes I find myself doing things I’d otherwise consider... stupid.

水

Water.

I still have time. I want to watch the sea. Water soothes my restless mind, I don't know why but it does. It does so by twisting and twirling jumping and breaking… sometimes it hits me in the face, like summoning me back to reality, making me fall from a floating trip. The ocean takes me away… at least my mind, a spiritual navigator, visiting places that don’t exist, perhaps not in this world. But places that exist somewhere inside of me, cities and countries even different worlds, worlds that are so far away as they are close from reality.

A different world drawn with shapes that don’t exist and painted with colors that cannot be formed by our very own red, green and blue. Dreams come true which haven’t yet came to be. A place far away. Away from reality. Away from people. Away from the bad decisions. Away from me…

Away. Just away…

I need to go there… But there’s no time.

Telling tales

Today I bought a book.

I think it's the first time I did so, at least consciously... I never thought it could be so much fun.

I didn't know where to start so I looked for titles that would somehow make me feel something, something special.

I looked for tiles I would give a book if I was ever to write one... didn't find many though... found a few interesting ones but I end up buying "The begotten", which I met by it's Portuguese name "A carta proibida".

The Year of the Rat

Today begins the year of the rat. I don't really know what this means, it's the beginning of something, a new time, called year. I find that familiar because I am also starting a new "year" in my life, I found that I am not able to do what I want or maybe I find it hard to know what I want.

The thing is I didn't realize I was becoming something I despise... a rat... by not knowing what I want, I was hurting someone I love... and kept doing it. Now I know the way, other people do not deserve to suffer because my uncertainties, I was just too weak to see that, as I've been all my life.

I need to be alone, and find the strength I need in myself. I find myself in the year of the rat, and I will find myself in the year of the rat.

I have to.

Weakness

I don't like being Human. When you don't know what your limitations truly are, it's hard to know what you can do or where you can go. The Human machine is far from flawless. We have too many weaknesses.

Some times I wonder what it would be like for other machines, like a computer or a car if they were aware of themselves, if they had a consciousness. It wouldn't be perfect, but they would know exactly what they could do (it's all documented). It would be easy for them to know where they could go and how fast or whatever...



Unlike that we cannot possibly know anything, unless we try it

but sometimes, that thought, that possibility is frightening

That makes us weak...

That makes me weak...

I cannot do it...

Not for me...

I need a reason...